this year I am determined to get my shit together

Basically, I am here to become more accountable for my actions. To own up to the shit I do, to remind myself I have fucking goals to do, that I have people I have to change for (keep reading), that, really, I should stop being a lazy shit and get it together.

Background information
- it is the evening of January 1, 2010
- unlike last year, I am not milking a hangover, but I am about to puke
- I will be bulimic for five years in April; a vegetarian for almost two years.
- I am a recovering (just over a month, but six before that) self-harmer of going on eight years.
- I am seeing a psychiatrist (we will call Dracula) as well as my family doctor (we will call eyebrows)
- I have amazing people in my life: K (known since 9 days old), CB or they boy (boyfriend), V (bff highschool), Sir K (newest BFF fellow ~mia~) and GOM (she is insane but you love her).
- the family is the brobro, the angry mother and the big child father. The 18yrold cat Meow and the 11yrold dog Stinks
- I am currently in Post Secondary School at some university with a high suicide rate (windows are VERY appealing there) but it's complicated right now
- I drink, I smoke pot, I've abused advil and over the counter pain medication
- I use  melatonin to sleep; tryptophan got me stoned
- 60mg of paxil is supposed to help me but I keep picking my scalp and cry a whole lot more
- sex is always good: giving and receiving oral is amazing, anal will take some getting used to, being called a slut is such a turn on, being submissive is breath taking but I know I have to get into dominatrix  because the boy loves it (I need hooker boots)
- I'm average weight, my legs are thin as hell compared to my ribs, dark hair, greenyellow eyes, lips, teeth, nose, ears (13 holes decorated), tits, a pussy, an ass - the usual


Now, I am not changing for anyone, I need to change for myself, but since I don't care that I puke what I eat and I think I am way bigger than I actually am. For now, I will try not to puke for the boy and try the whole eating healthy. BUT anyone with any sort of disordered eating knows that really, eating healthy could be considered tea and a banana to make it through the day. Oh, and gum. Now, when I am at his place (different town than mine) I eat normally by his standards, if not smaller, but to me it is a lot. I keep it down. I've puked twice in front of him - once after Christmas dinner (too many carbs) and once after too much beer (which I don't remember doing because paxil makes me black out...). Eventually I will do it for myself but for now, I still would rather not get better. I used to be shorter than I am now and weighed close to 200lbs, I never will get back there, I have lost a lot of weight none of it close to normally, but some, my ~*buddy mia*~ and I will make it so I don't get there. Also known as, I am terrified of gaining weight, recovery or not, like more eating disordered people. Part of me still doesn't think CB knows how fucked up I am.
Oh, and only two other people know: Sir K and an old friend from high school (who once <3z mia~ but now is a runner *scoff ED for attention scoff*).

I don't know where else to start this off, I hope to do it every day even if it is a word or two. Just keep me up to date on myself.

Goals for 2010?
lose weight
stop puking
continue to refrain from hurting myself
stop crying like a little baby all the fucking time
stop picking my fucking scalp!!!!!!
get off paxil sooner or later
talk to someone legit about my bulimia - Dracula doesn't cut it
succeed in the one course I am taking now (communications)
get my four failed courses removed (letter in the mail as you read)
move out to the boy's town with him
go to school PROPERLY in my dream program at the university out there
memorize my path of the soul destiny cards
learn tarot
learn dream interpretations
keep my current job after January 9th, or find another one SOON
lose weight
lose weight
think I am not hideous on a regular basis
exercise, more than just walking around (again, ED makes it complicated)


Off to puke, pick at my black heads, maybe do a facial mask, decide if I actually have athlete's foot or not and carry on with the fact that it is Friday night and I am at home.