Oh, hello. I clearly suck at this.

Wow. Try harder at blogging.

Essentially. I've been void.
I have felt nothing for a while now.
Just continual downdowndown. With the obvious eating and puking.
But with a twist of CRYING MY EYES OUT ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I am in the Wack. With the boy.
Who for the first bit of this week, I was distant and cold.
I wasn't sure if I loved him anymore. If it was comfort (see postsecret; not mine, just relevant) or not.
Maybe it's just hard, wanting to get better for him (this needs to change) but not for myself. Because I essentially couldn't care less about eating-puking pills or cutting (well, I'm glad to be done with that, honestly). So though I do it, it hurts him pretty insanely. So I end up feeling worse about myself. I pity cry and then just cry because I am so stuck.
But, it's gotten better. I'm on my rag so Imacrazybitch. I cried for an hour after he left for training last night.
I could not stop. I sat on his bed, not moving, staring, not blinking, not thinking. Just so fucking void.
Sort of snapped out of it, did some chores, watch a movie. He came home. I cried a little more. We got stoned. So stoned.
We just kind of held each other swaying to the music. He kissed my forehead and I knew that I still love him. That I just need to get my shit together. He is so amazing.
Monday night, we had our date night. I got so drunk (and may have taken 9 advil beforehand..). Before bed he asked if I was seeing somebody else...
I SAID YES.
BUT I AM NOT, NOR PLAN TO.
And then passed out, he had a horrible night, obviously. I apologized so much and said NO countless times.
Last night stoned, I started a heart to heart with him. I told him and it was only him, I tend to look at other guys because I'm observant (and a gemini) but I DO NOT TOUCH. I do not need anyone else in my life. My heart is his. I told him that his past doesn't matter, I do not need anyone else. Essentially I'm here for him, for as long as I can (hopefully forever). He teared up.
I knew we'd be okay.
I get so focused and deep when stoned and he gets can't focus, stupid, just uuuuuhdddddurrrrrr essentially.
Before sleeping, I asked him to say that he misses me more and that he loves me. Recently I noticed I've been initiating it and it does not do well when I get all worried he doesn't/people in general.  I told him how much I miss his nose air (okay, it sounds stupid but when he's holding me breathing out of his nose it is just pure comfort, the scent, the calmness is just perfect. And then I was like, do you miss anything weird about me (because I'm a girl, I have to ask these things (love me! say that you love me, sort of deal)) and he said uh, I'm so sorry babe, I can't think, I honestly wish I could answer you. AND I STARTED TO CRY AGAIN.
He told me no matter what he does miss me and loves me, that he's sorry and feels like an ass for not being able to communicate stoned. Make sense.

Wow, do I just ramble about the boyfriend. I should really just call this IMARAMBLEBOUTBOYFRIENDKAI!

I'm in a Starbs, studying. I really really want to buy some scones for a binge later but I'd so eat them now. YUM. I'm excited, an hour and a half until lunch. I just want to eat urythang.

Tonight. It sucks because in Canada it may not be seen. but Asia, Europe etc will see it. For my many many followers. HAHAHA
The first solar eclipse of 2010 is an annular eclipse of the Sun, at the New Moon in Capricorn on January 15

Annular

In an annular eclipse, the Moon does not completely block the light of the Sun, leaving a thin ring of fire (Annulus) visible. A New Moon near apogee is not sufficient to cover the face of the Sun completely, so its dark umbra cannot reach the Earth's surface to generate a total solar eclipse; hence, the antumbra predominates

Okay, I guess I should go back to reading my communications stuff. I will do school this semester properly!!!!