Oh, hello. I clearly suck at this.

Wow. Try harder at blogging.

Essentially. I've been void.
I have felt nothing for a while now.
Just continual downdowndown. With the obvious eating and puking.
But with a twist of CRYING MY EYES OUT ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I am in the Wack. With the boy.
Who for the first bit of this week, I was distant and cold.
I wasn't sure if I loved him anymore. If it was comfort (see postsecret; not mine, just relevant) or not.
Maybe it's just hard, wanting to get better for him (this needs to change) but not for myself. Because I essentially couldn't care less about eating-puking pills or cutting (well, I'm glad to be done with that, honestly). So though I do it, it hurts him pretty insanely. So I end up feeling worse about myself. I pity cry and then just cry because I am so stuck.
But, it's gotten better. I'm on my rag so Imacrazybitch. I cried for an hour after he left for training last night.
I could not stop. I sat on his bed, not moving, staring, not blinking, not thinking. Just so fucking void.
Sort of snapped out of it, did some chores, watch a movie. He came home. I cried a little more. We got stoned. So stoned.
We just kind of held each other swaying to the music. He kissed my forehead and I knew that I still love him. That I just need to get my shit together. He is so amazing.
Monday night, we had our date night. I got so drunk (and may have taken 9 advil beforehand..). Before bed he asked if I was seeing somebody else...
I SAID YES.
BUT I AM NOT, NOR PLAN TO.
And then passed out, he had a horrible night, obviously. I apologized so much and said NO countless times.
Last night stoned, I started a heart to heart with him. I told him and it was only him, I tend to look at other guys because I'm observant (and a gemini) but I DO NOT TOUCH. I do not need anyone else in my life. My heart is his. I told him that his past doesn't matter, I do not need anyone else. Essentially I'm here for him, for as long as I can (hopefully forever). He teared up.
I knew we'd be okay.
I get so focused and deep when stoned and he gets can't focus, stupid, just uuuuuhdddddurrrrrr essentially.
Before sleeping, I asked him to say that he misses me more and that he loves me. Recently I noticed I've been initiating it and it does not do well when I get all worried he doesn't/people in general.  I told him how much I miss his nose air (okay, it sounds stupid but when he's holding me breathing out of his nose it is just pure comfort, the scent, the calmness is just perfect. And then I was like, do you miss anything weird about me (because I'm a girl, I have to ask these things (love me! say that you love me, sort of deal)) and he said uh, I'm so sorry babe, I can't think, I honestly wish I could answer you. AND I STARTED TO CRY AGAIN.
He told me no matter what he does miss me and loves me, that he's sorry and feels like an ass for not being able to communicate stoned. Make sense.

Wow, do I just ramble about the boyfriend. I should really just call this IMARAMBLEBOUTBOYFRIENDKAI!

I'm in a Starbs, studying. I really really want to buy some scones for a binge later but I'd so eat them now. YUM. I'm excited, an hour and a half until lunch. I just want to eat urythang.

Tonight. It sucks because in Canada it may not be seen. but Asia, Europe etc will see it. For my many many followers. HAHAHA
The first solar eclipse of 2010 is an annular eclipse of the Sun, at the New Moon in Capricorn on January 15

Annular

In an annular eclipse, the Moon does not completely block the light of the Sun, leaving a thin ring of fire (Annulus) visible. A New Moon near apogee is not sufficient to cover the face of the Sun completely, so its dark umbra cannot reach the Earth's surface to generate a total solar eclipse; hence, the antumbra predominates

Okay, I guess I should go back to reading my communications stuff. I will do school this semester properly!!!! 

I want babies

Well my seasonal part time job probably has ended. My name is not on the schedule for this coming week. I still do not have a final answer, but as per my usual, avoiding confrontation, I have yet to get a hold of my Lead. Who loves me by the way. So, naturally, an impulsive OCD, like my self, bought 50 dollars in lingerie and some make up. Went out for sushi (pukey pukey) with people and is going to America tomorrow to shop with no money to buy a bathing suit (I'm going to do aqua fit?!), nail polish and whatever else I cannot afford/borrow from K.
Daamn.

I've been thinking about my relationship to CB recently, last night he was in a horrible rage again (he has been lacking his training for about a month now) and then his phone freaked out, me not knowing this, with the last thing from him saying all he wants to do is fight, become a complete mess. With the panic attack earlier in the shower and having a shit day of my own, convinced the brobro (with the help of his lady friend (who we don't approve of for him, for the record)) to drive me hour ish drive to his place. [side note: we get there, brorbo asks to go inside for a bit, I say no, I am in a complete wreck, I just need to know CB is okay. TURNS OUT the ladyfriend had to pee, so she pee'd in the parking lot. Fuck, get out of the vanity mirror and tell me you're going to piss yourself. I'll let you inside. DUH] I see him, shake my head, and tell him I need him to let me know somehow (I know, impossible, SHH) that his phone broke, and I start crying. He brings me inside his apartment and holds me. I'm saying sorry for coming and for freaking out and he's apologizing for venting his anger to me. We both tell each other not to worry and he carries (yes, I know, he is amazing) me to the couch and he starts talking about his day, I hold him and stroke his head, he then (I think he cried a little) told me into my chest that he is so happy I was there. Now, the point of this.
I wonder if him and I both have our own personality disorder, in the dependent variety.
Me: My Dad was an addict (well, crack addict, still drinks and smokes pot) for all of my high school carrier, leaving completely and when he was around it was never really "how are you" sort of deal..
CB: Mother was completely abusive.
So we both need someone to care for us. He always wants to make sure I am safe, comfortable and happy. I (being grossly maternal in general) makes sure he is happy too, tell him how much I care, etc etc.
Essentially a VERY NORMAL relationship between two people in love. However, since I am 'crazy' and he was back then I just assume everything is abnormal between us. Or something. I lost my train of thought. Shit.

So CB has this roommate who besides being useless with money sometimes, is very cool and shy; he and V are being all buddy buddy. I AM NOT WANTING THIS. She fooled around/got attached with one of CB's friends last year, and I really just want her to stay the fuck away from CB, his friends and his town. They are mine, I want to get away from everything and go there, not listen to her IDIOTIC STUPID boy drama (she is incapable of normalcy) and if she fucks it over with the Roomie it'll be HORRIBLE. I do not want her near him at all because I don't want to get involved but CB is all "he really digs her, let them figure it out" but I really just don't want her to do anything. I'm a horrible friend.

I am nauseous. And sleepy. I took a chunk of skin out of my leg shaving and it bled, SH flashbacks. Plus I am getting really tired of who I am again. I need to change. I'm thinking of rearranging my room but I'm not sure. I'm like done with my life here in Burns. I am so ready to move on with my life. New people (no need to lose the oldies; they are goodies), new school, new town, new part time work, sleep with the boy every night (ZzzZZzs and otherwise).

I am just sick and tired of (being sick and tired) hating who I am, what I am doing.
I wish I was rich. Not that I would be any happier or less fucked up, it just helps open doors. Or I just think so and in reality I have the keys already. Or something just as corny.

Remind me to call Dracula, go to my ex-work, not run away to the boy's town, tell Eyebrows I need to see a gyno.

You are beautiful

this year I am determined to get my shit together

Basically, I am here to become more accountable for my actions. To own up to the shit I do, to remind myself I have fucking goals to do, that I have people I have to change for (keep reading), that, really, I should stop being a lazy shit and get it together.

Background information
- it is the evening of January 1, 2010
- unlike last year, I am not milking a hangover, but I am about to puke
- I will be bulimic for five years in April; a vegetarian for almost two years.
- I am a recovering (just over a month, but six before that) self-harmer of going on eight years.
- I am seeing a psychiatrist (we will call Dracula) as well as my family doctor (we will call eyebrows)
- I have amazing people in my life: K (known since 9 days old), CB or they boy (boyfriend), V (bff highschool), Sir K (newest BFF fellow ~mia~) and GOM (she is insane but you love her).
- the family is the brobro, the angry mother and the big child father. The 18yrold cat Meow and the 11yrold dog Stinks
- I am currently in Post Secondary School at some university with a high suicide rate (windows are VERY appealing there) but it's complicated right now
- I drink, I smoke pot, I've abused advil and over the counter pain medication
- I use  melatonin to sleep; tryptophan got me stoned
- 60mg of paxil is supposed to help me but I keep picking my scalp and cry a whole lot more
- sex is always good: giving and receiving oral is amazing, anal will take some getting used to, being called a slut is such a turn on, being submissive is breath taking but I know I have to get into dominatrix  because the boy loves it (I need hooker boots)
- I'm average weight, my legs are thin as hell compared to my ribs, dark hair, greenyellow eyes, lips, teeth, nose, ears (13 holes decorated), tits, a pussy, an ass - the usual


Now, I am not changing for anyone, I need to change for myself, but since I don't care that I puke what I eat and I think I am way bigger than I actually am. For now, I will try not to puke for the boy and try the whole eating healthy. BUT anyone with any sort of disordered eating knows that really, eating healthy could be considered tea and a banana to make it through the day. Oh, and gum. Now, when I am at his place (different town than mine) I eat normally by his standards, if not smaller, but to me it is a lot. I keep it down. I've puked twice in front of him - once after Christmas dinner (too many carbs) and once after too much beer (which I don't remember doing because paxil makes me black out...). Eventually I will do it for myself but for now, I still would rather not get better. I used to be shorter than I am now and weighed close to 200lbs, I never will get back there, I have lost a lot of weight none of it close to normally, but some, my ~*buddy mia*~ and I will make it so I don't get there. Also known as, I am terrified of gaining weight, recovery or not, like more eating disordered people. Part of me still doesn't think CB knows how fucked up I am.
Oh, and only two other people know: Sir K and an old friend from high school (who once <3z mia~ but now is a runner *scoff ED for attention scoff*).

I don't know where else to start this off, I hope to do it every day even if it is a word or two. Just keep me up to date on myself.

Goals for 2010?
lose weight
stop puking
continue to refrain from hurting myself
stop crying like a little baby all the fucking time
stop picking my fucking scalp!!!!!!
get off paxil sooner or later
talk to someone legit about my bulimia - Dracula doesn't cut it
succeed in the one course I am taking now (communications)
get my four failed courses removed (letter in the mail as you read)
move out to the boy's town with him
go to school PROPERLY in my dream program at the university out there
memorize my path of the soul destiny cards
learn tarot
learn dream interpretations
keep my current job after January 9th, or find another one SOON
lose weight
lose weight
think I am not hideous on a regular basis
exercise, more than just walking around (again, ED makes it complicated)


Off to puke, pick at my black heads, maybe do a facial mask, decide if I actually have athlete's foot or not and carry on with the fact that it is Friday night and I am at home.