I want babies

Well my seasonal part time job probably has ended. My name is not on the schedule for this coming week. I still do not have a final answer, but as per my usual, avoiding confrontation, I have yet to get a hold of my Lead. Who loves me by the way. So, naturally, an impulsive OCD, like my self, bought 50 dollars in lingerie and some make up. Went out for sushi (pukey pukey) with people and is going to America tomorrow to shop with no money to buy a bathing suit (I'm going to do aqua fit?!), nail polish and whatever else I cannot afford/borrow from K.
Daamn.

I've been thinking about my relationship to CB recently, last night he was in a horrible rage again (he has been lacking his training for about a month now) and then his phone freaked out, me not knowing this, with the last thing from him saying all he wants to do is fight, become a complete mess. With the panic attack earlier in the shower and having a shit day of my own, convinced the brobro (with the help of his lady friend (who we don't approve of for him, for the record)) to drive me hour ish drive to his place. [side note: we get there, brorbo asks to go inside for a bit, I say no, I am in a complete wreck, I just need to know CB is okay. TURNS OUT the ladyfriend had to pee, so she pee'd in the parking lot. Fuck, get out of the vanity mirror and tell me you're going to piss yourself. I'll let you inside. DUH] I see him, shake my head, and tell him I need him to let me know somehow (I know, impossible, SHH) that his phone broke, and I start crying. He brings me inside his apartment and holds me. I'm saying sorry for coming and for freaking out and he's apologizing for venting his anger to me. We both tell each other not to worry and he carries (yes, I know, he is amazing) me to the couch and he starts talking about his day, I hold him and stroke his head, he then (I think he cried a little) told me into my chest that he is so happy I was there. Now, the point of this.
I wonder if him and I both have our own personality disorder, in the dependent variety.
Me: My Dad was an addict (well, crack addict, still drinks and smokes pot) for all of my high school carrier, leaving completely and when he was around it was never really "how are you" sort of deal..
CB: Mother was completely abusive.
So we both need someone to care for us. He always wants to make sure I am safe, comfortable and happy. I (being grossly maternal in general) makes sure he is happy too, tell him how much I care, etc etc.
Essentially a VERY NORMAL relationship between two people in love. However, since I am 'crazy' and he was back then I just assume everything is abnormal between us. Or something. I lost my train of thought. Shit.

So CB has this roommate who besides being useless with money sometimes, is very cool and shy; he and V are being all buddy buddy. I AM NOT WANTING THIS. She fooled around/got attached with one of CB's friends last year, and I really just want her to stay the fuck away from CB, his friends and his town. They are mine, I want to get away from everything and go there, not listen to her IDIOTIC STUPID boy drama (she is incapable of normalcy) and if she fucks it over with the Roomie it'll be HORRIBLE. I do not want her near him at all because I don't want to get involved but CB is all "he really digs her, let them figure it out" but I really just don't want her to do anything. I'm a horrible friend.

I am nauseous. And sleepy. I took a chunk of skin out of my leg shaving and it bled, SH flashbacks. Plus I am getting really tired of who I am again. I need to change. I'm thinking of rearranging my room but I'm not sure. I'm like done with my life here in Burns. I am so ready to move on with my life. New people (no need to lose the oldies; they are goodies), new school, new town, new part time work, sleep with the boy every night (ZzzZZzs and otherwise).

I am just sick and tired of (being sick and tired) hating who I am, what I am doing.
I wish I was rich. Not that I would be any happier or less fucked up, it just helps open doors. Or I just think so and in reality I have the keys already. Or something just as corny.

Remind me to call Dracula, go to my ex-work, not run away to the boy's town, tell Eyebrows I need to see a gyno.

You are beautiful